Dear Malcolm

Dear Malcolm,





You left this world two weeks ago. Sometimes I wonder if my mind has really registered that this really happened to us.





I'm angry.





I'm sad.





I'm tired.





Sometimes I'm worried that I'm not sad enough but then sometimes it overwhelms me.





I'm worried for my family. I know Holly is sad but it's more of a silent sadness. Mom and Heath can't hide it. It's so visible in their eyes that's it's all I can see when I look at them. I can literally feel their broken hearts.





As for me, I have to say I have some regrets where you and I are concerned. I can't believe I'm writing this but I feel there are some things I need to say. On certain occasions I know I shared with you how I felt about you.





Did you really hear me?





Did you really know how I felt?





Before you died, you told Mom that you wanted to call all of us kids and let us know you loved us. She said 'they know that' and you said 'Shayla doesn't.' To hear that was quite a blow.


I need to say this, before God and everyone, I knew from the very beginning that you loved me!





You met my Mom after she'd had some really hard times. Some things are meant to be, and you and her were definitely meant to be. I remember those early days of travelling to Walsh to visit you on the farm. I just thought you were so cool! You had a three-wheeler, horses, cattle. I loved working the cattle.





After you and Mom married I discovered I wasn't much into the farming part of farming and ranching. I also discovered I wasn't much on someone other than my Mom telling me what to do. But you took on the role of father to us and you demanded respect. You also demanded that we respect our Mother. Lessons learned.





At that point in my life, my love was rodeo. A hard week of work on the farm was paid off on the weekend with a barrel racing jackpot or a rodeo. You made sure we each had a reliable horse as well as a pick-up and trailer to travel in.





You and I butted heads sometimes. I was used to it being me, Mom and Holly. I was stubborn and strong willed. I guess you were, too because you didn't give up on me.





I called you when Annette died and I told you what you meant to me. I hope you remember that conversation.





I never called you Dad but I hope you know I considered you my Dad. I just never felt right about taking that title away from my own father. My parents divorced when I was fairly young but I've always had a good relationship with my Dad. He has always been and always will be a part of my life. My Mom never spoke negatively about him to Holly or I. I just feel so lucky that I am able to say I had two wonderful fathers when most people are fortunate to just have one.





The selfish part of me is feeling a bit cheated right now. You're not going to be there when Danny and I get married and have kids. You're not going to be there for the birth of Heath and Amy's child. You're not going to live in Oklahoma like we planned.





I am thankful you got to know your first grandchild Olivia. Just this weekend, Mom asked her if she was Mimi's girl and she replied, 'Papa's peanut.' Beautiful and heart wrenching all at the same time.





When I headed out for the hospital in Amarillo two weeks ago I thought in a couple of days I'd be returning home. Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever imagined that that we'd be having your funeral the next week.





It's not fair.





It wasn't supposed to end like this.





We miss you.





I hope you know how much I loved you and appreciated all you did for me.





Even if I didn't always show it, I had the utmost respect for you.





Rest in peace Malcolm.





Love,


Shayla